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Best of the Gore Gazette - Page 10

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( GG subscriber goes on a bank robbing spree )

#107 - Editorial: The G.G. would like to dedicate this entire issue to subscriber Jeffery Erickson of Illinois…the perpetrator, along with his wife of at least 8 bank heists in the Chicago area until his arrest last December…(his wife) led cops on a high speed chase, resulting in her being blasted in the face by a patrolman's shotgun … Erickson faces up to 20 years for each of the 8 robberies…Note to John McNaughton: Don't you smell a Henry-esque movie here?  (Amazingly, in 1996 director McNaughton did indeed film this story in his underrated sleeper Normal Life starring Luke Perry and Ashley Judd!! - J4HI )
Editorial: British Police seize some "Torture" Videos including a Gore Gazette compilation!
LAWNMOWER MAN: …(virtual reality) is currently being hailed by hacker homos everywhere as the "drug of the 90's" and the "ultimate high". Well, if this is the ultimate high, these guys obviously don't get laid too much as Jeff Fahey metamorphoses from a cretin to a genius computer-enhanced, maniacal tyrant in 105 torturous minutes that resemble a bad night at a Nintendo convention.
SHADOWS AND FOG: And the final laugh is on the mainstream critics who tripped all over themselves praising Shadows "ethereal black & white cinematography". Allen, as the penny-pinching Jew bastard he is reported to be realizes that filming a movie in black and white is about 1/3 the cost of color, so he laughs all the way to the bank and is declared a genius to boot!
LETHAL WEAPON 3: In fact, Lethal 3 is so asinine and packed with politically correct comedy shtick that these formally hard-nosed dicks are now reduced to resembling a pair of squabbling homos!
UNIVERSAL SOLDIER: The best knock-down, drag-out, destroy-all-scenery-and-extras outing between two cardboard caricature non-actors since King Kong met Godzilla, Universal pits the self proclaimed "muscles from Brussels" Jean-Claude Van Damme against Hitler youth role model Dolph Lundgren…
ONE FALSE MOVE: Not since Henry has there been a crime drama as lurid, smarmy and nihilistic as this underrated low budget outing from Carl Franklin who really shows that he knows what makes a psychotic mind tick…

            ( In issue #107 Rick starts selling the soon-to-be infamous Chuck Berry bootleg video )


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#108 - (Harvey Keitel is declared "Gore Gazette Man of the Year" for his double whammy of The Bad Lieutenant and Reservoir Dogs - J4HI )
BEBE'S KIDS: Clocking in at a brisk 73 minutes, this flick is a riotous howl loaded with enough Road Runner-styled violence, Rudy Ray Moore inspired humor, cursing, foul-mouthed kids (always a G.G. fave) and evil white stereotyping to make it a modern day minor blaxploitation classic.
RAPID FIRE: Proof positive that excessive cannabis use can damage your chromosomes and subsequently cause brain damaged offspring is evidenced by this anemic, actioner starring Brandon Lee whose wooden acting style, open-mouthed gaping and lethargic kung-fu would lead one to believe that some of the THC that caused his daddy's massive brain hemorrhage crept into his own DNA via the dragon's jizzline.
INNOCENT BLOOD: After being off-based and ill-talented for nearly a decade following his well-publicized Twilight Zone death debacle, former horror fan turned pro John Landis reclaims his mantle as one of goredom's most talented champions in this wild blend of horror, sex, graphic bloodletting and sick comedy…
UNDER SIEGE: With the unexplained absence of his kung fu prowess, Seagal must rely on his own acting skills when matching mettle with Tommy Lee Jones and Gary Busey in an extended 102-minute conflagration, which ultimately boils down to a battle of the scenery- chewers.
DR. GIGGLES review
THE BAD LIEUTENANT:…is the most harrowing, perverse, sleazy, yet hilarious film to be released since we've been publishing and gets our hands down endorsement for the "G.G. Film of the Year".
BRAM STOKER'S DRACULA: …the only thing that kept us awake throughout this dreck was the hilarious acting of Keanu Reeves who, cast here as Jonathan Harker, slips in and out of his Victorian British accent into his patented California surfereese which had cinemagoers shouting "Your in deep shit now, Ted!" and "Where's Bill, dude?"…
JENNIFER 8: …while on line at 42nd St.'s still-surviving Selwyn Theatre to catch this mediocrity, two ebony film scholars behind us had the following conversation: "Jennifer 8? Man, I must be getting whacked - I don't remember parts 1,2,3,4,5,6 or 7!" To which his compadre replied, "Me neither nigger - but I do remember the 3-D one…" Sometimes stories like that make viewing all this shit worthwhile.

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#109 - (The G.G.'s "Gore Film of the Year" award is a tie between Reservoir Dogs and Dr Giggles )
Editorial: …we solemnly note the untimely passing of Ms. Regina Carrol, Mr. Ed look-alike, Independent International contract heroine and real-life Mrs. Al Adamson whose curvaceous body and face that could stop a clock graced such notable epics as Satan's Sadists and The Female Bunch.
(After getting in legal trouble for selling bootlegs of the Russ Meyer films
Blacksnake and MotorPsycho Rick offers a reward - J4HI
Now being the vengeful varmints that we are, we're willing to offer up 500 smackers to anyone who can prove conclusively just who it was that created this serious and expensive turmoil in our heretofore uncomplicated lives.

TRESPASS: Sort of a twisted hybrid of Superfly, Deliverance and Treasure of Sierra Madre…Sickly unveiled as the sole Xmas release from Universal Pictures, this classic black vs. white potboiler which extolls the virtues of bad will toward men is a recommended exploitation gem which started 1993 off in fine form.
IN A GLASS CAGE review
DEAD ALIVE:…kudos to Dead's domestic distributors Trimark Pictures for having the balls to flip the bird to the MPAA and release the film unrated. If they hadn't, it probably would have run about 13 ½ minutes! You must see this film!!
MATINEE: Joe Dante's loving homage to William Castle and the cheesy monster flicks of the late 50's and early 60's was so balls-on nostalgic that it actually gave me a lump in my throat. And Cathy Moriarty's return as a sultry aspiring actress gave me a lump in my pants. Who could ask for more than that?
JUST ANOTHER GIRL ON THE I.R.T.: Just another vociferous black femme director who should learn which end of the camera to point before making her low-budget statement about the hard life on the streets in Brooklyn for some knocked-up overacting 17-year old pregnant minority cunt. Technically painful to watch and quite funny for all the wrong reasons.
INDECENT PROPOSAL: Who wouldn't let Robert Redford fuck their wife for a cool million in cash? Shit, this movie should have a running time of less than 5 minutes! Christ, I'd let him cornhole me for a quick 2 G's…
SIDEKICKS: Bloated, bearded 50 something Chuck Norris finally realizes that he can't cut it with the Van Damme / Lundgren / Seagal action crowd and opts for a new career niche: Slightly pre-teen males who are too old to dig the Ninja Turtles but a bit too young to start beating off…worth the price of admission to witness the long-in-the-tooth ex-karate champ kick the living shit out of the obnoxious steroid-sucking Joe Piscopo…

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#110 - (The G.G.'s final issue has the new cover price of $1.50 )
LAST ACTION HERO: …sure the little peckerhead sidekick of Arnold Schwarzenegger was annoying as hell, but isn't it worth at least a bargain matinee admission to hear the illustrious Nazi lunkhead attempt to pronounce the term "premature ejaculation"?  
RISING SUN: Talky, overlong adaptation that pissed off a lot of area Nips with its blunt depiction of Japanese sexual mores, aggressive business acumen and exclusionary beliefs. Yeah, yeah, yeah - but what that they should have protested was the lack of any action in this 131 minute bore.
ROMPER STOMPER: Though sidelined by a contrived love angle (do skinheads really have soft spot?), this is a brutally graphic depiction of Clockwork Orange - styled ultraviolence that actually might be too realistic for wimpier gorehounds to stomach, but an excellent, harrowing debut from writer / director Geoffrey Wright who seems so sympathetic to the skins he may be one himself.
KALIFORNIA: Ex-second generation brat-packer Brad Pitt wins instant induction to the Cinematic Serial Killer Hall of Fame alongside other notables as Anthony Perkins, Michael Rooker, etc. in this grim, intense gut-churning road movie…
WARLOCK: All gore and no plot does not an interesting feature make. Julian Sands returns as the faggiest villain in screen history in this bloodspurting sequel, which plays like a 93 minute Danzig video.
STRIKING DISTANCE: Should be re-titled "Stroking Distance" as you'll have to jerk off to stay awake through this predictable by-the-numbers actioner…
DAZED AND CONFUSED: Kids this shit really happened: There was actually a time where you could fuck anything that moved without a condom knowing that the worst you'd be in for was a shot of penicillin two weeks down the line…
DEMOLITION MAN:  A rollicking remake of King Kong Vs. Godzilla substituting Wesley Snipes for the rampaging monkey (natch) and a muscle-bound Italian (Stallone) for the lumbering lizard.
ROBOCOP III: Orion Pictures was counting on this Peter Weller-less sequel to bring them back from the precipice of imminent bankruptcy. It won't. Say hello to chapter 11, boys!

J4HI logo GG

( Compiled & Edited by Mike Decker )


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