Best of the Gore Gazette - Page 7
#95 - (The GG "Gore Film of the Year" award goes to Street Trash)
THE 7th SIGN: …There is not even the slightest gore payoff for horror fans who sit through this pretentious mess as The 7th Sign is rated R solely for a brief scene of full frontal nudity from an 8 months pregnant (in real life inseminated by true demon Bruce Willis - there's a horror story) Moore that is so appalling it may cause gorehounds to have erection problems for a week. Who needs that?
COLORS: Michael Schiffer's "realistic" screenplay is so packed with street lingo and urbanized English that gorehounds would do well to take a Negro or Hispanic date along with them for translation when viewing this flick as much of the dialogue is unintelligible to average WASPs.
BRAIN DAMAGE review
DEAD HEAT: This embarrassing comedy / horror outing is essentially the fault of comedic cretin Joe Piscopo who ruins some fine gore and zombie FX, and a potentially interesting plot, with some of the worst acting, mugging and scenery-chewing this side of an H.G. Lewis movie.
FRIDAY THE 13TH PART 7: Remember when Godzilla flicks stopped getting good after they introduced his smoke-breathing homo son Minya in later sequels that seemed designed for the mongoloid set? Well, the Friday series seems headed down that same haggard trail, leaving Pt. 7 a half-baked disaster chapter in the once mighty carve `em up series.
#96 - BULLETPROOF: In his candid anti-drug interviews Gary Busey admits to being so messed up on blow during the flick's production he doesn't even remember making it, leaving Bulletproof even further recommended for fans of sleaze cinema.
POLTERGEIST III: Thankfully, by the end of this epic, most of the cast has either been killed off in the script or in real life, leaving little chance for yet a third sequel and perhaps the only good thing that can be said about III.
#97 - (The cover price goes to $1.00)
Editorial: (Referring to a recent vacation) Though we've continually chastised the couch potato lot who sit home and watch videos for their sleaze fix instead of patronizing the local drive-ins and grindhouses, we didn't realize until taking this backwoods road trip that most areas of the country don't have the skuzzy urine-stenched urban venues that we take for granted in the N.Y. metro area…With a humble swallow of crow deep in our gullets, we sincerely apologize to the legions of rabid videophiles across the country that we've been unfairly admonishing for over the past 5 years - if video is your only way, by all means go for it…
KILLER KLOWNS FROM OUTER SPACE: Easily the weirdest movie we've viewed this year, Klowns is worth a viewing if not only for the antics of the excellent clown monsters, but to try to figure out just what kind of drugs these guys were using when they spent a reported 1.5 million for a film which is far too frightening for a kiddie show and much too ridiculous to be considered a serious horror entry.
TOUGHER THAN LEATHER: Rap producer Rick Rubin directed this 85min delight in shaky student-film fashion but packed it so full of graphic violence, hilarious profanity, all types of racism and ample nudity that gorehounds will barely be able to notice that none of the actors in this grade Z gem can even read their cue cards!
NIGHTFALL: During the 8 year, 97 issue span of the G.G. we never once faked a review for a flick we haven't seen nor walked out on a clunker no matter how abysmal. Sure we've nodded out through the occasional reel, but this dismal adaptation of an Isaac Asimov sci-fi story sent us scurrying for the exit doors after 60 minutes of unbearable tedium. ...a flick so awful it makes Creation of the Humanoids seem like Dawn of the Dead by comparison.
ELVIRA, MISTRESS OF THE DARK: G.G. readers of all ages should run (do not walk) down to their nearest bijou to catch this box office flop featuring the top-heavy TV host vampires and an unending onslaught of grade school toilet humor, embarrassing sexual innuendos, endless tit one-liners and a level of cornpone humor not seen since the halcyon days of Green Acres.
NOT OF THIS EARTH review
#98 - ( The G.G.'s 1998 "Gore Film of the Year" is The Blob )
PURGATORY: Sleaze fans are treated to endless nude sequences of Tanya Roberts (including some full frontal muff hijinx) getting nearly every one of her orifices plugged in the most dehumanizing manner possible…seeing ex-glitz queen Roberts being put through her paces in such a degrading low-budgeter makes Purgatory succeed on sort of a Hollywood Babylon level of fascination.
I'M GONNA GET YOU, SUCKA: …Wayans has totally missed the boat on what made the old action epics tick - Where's the crushed velvet jumpsuits? Lincoln Pimpmobiles? Afro wigs? And, most importantly where's Pam Grier? (Or at least Tamara Dobson). Any member of the G.G. staff could have written a far funnier screenplay and we're all white!
WHITE ELEPHANT: BATTLE OF THE AFRICAN GHOSTS: Every time we start to soften in our opinion of the scurrilous celluloid merchants at Troma Releasing they turn around and pull crap like falsely sub-titling and releasing this 1983 pseudo-documentary about a white businessman seeking to build a furniture factory on religious plot in Africa with a completely contrived and misleading ad campaign leading one to believe it was a voodoo / zombie horror yarn…
PURPLE PEOPLE EATER review
PARTYLINE: Ever wonder what happened to Leif Garrett, early 70's teen recording artist heartthrob…`ol Leif is now a late 20's, overweight, balding blow addict who has been reduced to playing a middle-aged homosexual psychopath in this thoroughly enjoyable scumbucket thriller…
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