Best of the Gore Gazette - Page 4
( Back in 1984 I sent away for a sample copy of the Gore Gazette - having never actually seen one. What arrived was a subscription letter and the above issue. It featured a still from The Wedding Trough (aka The Pig Fucking Movie) on the cover - this was my queasy introduction to the Gore Gazette. - J4HI )
#68 - SPLATTER UNIVERSITY: An unbiased review this clunker is out of the question, as Troma Releasing has had the unabashed temerity to add the quote "The Most Terrifying Film of the Year!" to their ad slicks and film posters and attribute the boast to yours truly. Suffice to say these words were never uttered from my lips and Troma is now #1 on the G.G. hit list for taking such a low blow at my already shaky credibility.
#69 - DREAMSCAPE: 20TH Century Fox brings us the very first film to be rated "PG-13", a rating developed by the MPAA after many complaints about the amount of violence contained in "PG" hits like Indiana Jones and Gremlins. This new rating permits flicks to show a fair degree of bloodletting, but disallows any displays of skin. So basically, the MPAA says that you can stab a breast with a knife, show it spurt blood and get a PG-13 - but if the breast remains unstabbed but bared it warrants an "R". Pretty sick!
#70 - THE BEING: The cast reads like a Who's Who of has-been actors with Jose Ferrer, Dorothy Malone, Ruth Buzzi Marianne Rogers and Martin Landau all looking embarrassed as they scramble for some quick cocaine money on a few days work.
#71 - SILENT NIGHT, DEADLY NIGHT: This Tri-Star release, which initially opened to box office indifference, got a lot of free publicity courtesy of concerned parents protesting the demented TV ads which depicted a bloodied axe-wielding Santa stalking kids on Xmas eve. The ads were soon yanked, but then Siskel & Ebert plugged Silent even more by telling viewers of their lame review show that the film is more reprehensible than I Spit on Your Grave. Had everyone left it alone, this epic would have disappeared in a week, but the controversy has given the flick a box office jolt and looks as if it will be around for a while.
STARMAN: …Comparisons to E.T. are inevitable, even though Carpenter and his press agents have gone to great lengths to promote the fact that Starman was in the works long before the Spielberg blockbuster. A moot argument, since either flick is sugary enough to send a diabetic into a coma, and is of no real interest to exploitation enthusiasts.
DUNE: … Comic relief from the tedium is provided by the heretofore respected FX wizard Carlo Rambaldi who packs the feature with assorted rubbery creations such as an amphibious fetus swimming in a slimy womb, a human grasshopper and some gnarly 1000-meter long sandworms, all spectacularly phony enough to have been stolen off a Toho back lot or from Bert I. Gordon's garage.
#72 - ( The 1984 "Gore Gazette Film of the Year" is Joe D'Amato's Buried Alive - aka Blue Holocaust )
#73 - SUPERSTITION: …these all add up to a threadbare plot that serves merely to link a handful of well-executed gore slaughters that are a joy to behold but unfortunately to not alleviate the tedium of this 85min clunker…Look for the great theatrical trailer which contains nearly all of the grisly killings and will save you 81min minutes and $5.00 to boot!
#74 - FEAR CITY: When Ferrara delivered his finished product to corporate executives (at 20th Century Fox) in early `84, they recoiled in shock when they saw what the talented young director had done with nearly $4 million dollars and refused to release it under the Fox banner. Citing the flick's gritty ultra-violence and non-stop barrage of jiggling breasts and buttocks as unsuitable for the company's revered image. Fox's problem proved a windfall for N.Y.'s Aquarius Releasing who snapped up distribution rights to Fear, a film whose single budget exceeded the sum of the company's entire annual release schedule!
#75 - COMPANY OF WOLVES: …Gorehounds who can actually say they liked Company should trade in their G.G. collection for back issues of Cashiers Du Cinema.
JULIE DARLING: …A sick, sick epic that even shocked 42nd St. patrons, Julie is low on gore but heavy on shocking sleaze (i.e. a fantasy sequence where Tony Franciosa is fondling his daughter's prepubescent naked body) that may be too much for even slightly moralistic horror fans. If you ever peeked at your little sister while she was getting dressed or taking a shower Julie may lay too much of a guilt trip on you. For pedophiles only! (Buy JULIE DARLING on dvd)
#76 - CERTAIN FURY: What can two young former Oscar contenders do when they begin aging and need some quick bucks for their coke habits? Act in a New World exploitationer, of course!
LIFEFORCE: With this $22 million dollar abomination, Tobe Hooper proves unequivocally that his classic Texas Chainsaw Massacre was a directorial fluke and he really isn't talented enough to handle any project bigger than a Billy Idol video.
#77 - CEMETARIO DEL TERROR: ...Racist gorehounds will get a kick out of some of the stereotyped greaseballs displayed in the film and fact that all of the cast is perpetually drinking cheap wine or Schaffer beer from paper cups.
RETURN OF THE LIVING DEAD: …This film almost sounds like a wild dream one might have after eating too many White Castle hamburgers! Top this all off with the most ridiculous ending ever committed to celluloid, and Return emerges as a solid winner…
#78 - THE PROTECTOR: Jackie faces his toughest battle throughout the film with the American dialogue however, with the usually dubbed actor spitting out garbled English as if he had a mouth full of chow mein.
#79 - 5TH Anniversary (With this issue the G.G.'s price goes from 35 to 60 cents )
SILVER BULLET: This umpteenth screen adaptation of a Stephen King story should prove once and for all that moviegoers are just not interested in seeing any more of this untalented asshole's work as Bullet scored a resounding thud at the Halloween box office. …Someone in Hollywood would do well to put a silver bullet in King's head to quell his diarrheic output of third-rate garbage.
DEATH WISH III review
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