Best of the Gore Gazette - Page 6
#90 - (The G.G.'s price hits 75 cents)
NIGHTMARE ON ELM ST. 3: …Enter Heather Langencamp, troubled heroine from Elm #1 who is now grown up and begins working with kids as a psychiatrist (Heather may have gotten her psychologists degree over the past five years since the first film, but it's sorely evident that she didn't take any drama classes, as her awful acting adds to the fun of 3's whimsical proceedings).
ANGEL HEART: … Bonet's buckets-o-blood grind session with Roarke (and his obvious body double), together with a grand gander at Charlotte Rampling's ravaged rib cage should be more than enough stuff to have all gore-mays hustling their balls in the dark, even if Angel's convoluted climax leaves them scratching their noodles when the house lights come on.
#91 - Editorial: Viva La Revoluccion!
PROGRAMMED TO KILL:…Not really recommended, but if a lame script, bad acting, disregard for continuity, cheesy gore, atrocious dialogue and a hilariously out of sync soundtrack sound appealing to you; Programmed is definitely your cup of tea.
AMERICAN NINJA 2: Golan and Globus, Cannon Releasing's premiere purveyors of kosher schlock once again team up actionmeister director Sam Firstenberg with Wally Cleaver look-alike Michael Dudikoff and shit-kicking spear-chucker Steve Jones in this rollicking exploitationer…
THE STEPFATHER: …Well The Stepfather may be the first film unite the art bears with us sleaze mongers as this sick little tale…is a restrained masterpiece and easily the best horror/suspensor to come down the pike since `61's original Psycho.
ENEMY TERRITORY: …A blown out Jan-Michael Vincent virtually steals the entire show in his 10 minute bit part as a demented Viet Nam vet who also resides in the slum and is the one person even the bloodthirsty Negroes fear. When his opening line is "Fuck off, you Mau-Maus!" you know you've got a winning flick. (Buy Enemy Territory)
#92 - Editorial: …the back pages of Soldier Of Fortune magazine screamed the key to eternal salvation. A tiny 1inch ad promised that for only $25.00 one could become a genuine ordained minister. Thinking the use of this ploy had gone out of style when the draft ended in the early 70's I sent off my check. Four weeks later I received my official ordination certificate proclaiming me the Rt. Rev. Rick Sullivan…
STREET TRASH: But to gorehounds who could care less for coherence, Street Trash has it all: ghastly melting, puking, raping, pissing, castration, mutilation, humiliation, beating, racism and general gore hijinx amidst an entertaining balance of black and elementary school style toilet humor that should help you forget that you really don't know what the hell is going on.
JAWS - THE REVENGE: Technically inept and boring beyond belief, this fourth installment of the timeworn shark saga is notable only for it's wretched special effects and the atrocious acting of Mario Van Peebles as a Jamaican marine biologist wearing a hilarious Negro Rasta wig.
#93 - Editorial: As echoed in prior G.G. editorials --- leave your VCR for the rare and unobtainable movies only, go out and support your downtown sleaze parlors regularly before they become a thing of the past. Winos, drug addicts, prostitutes and yammering Negro brothers alone will not keep the action houses open --- the support of all gorehounds is necessary.
CHINA GIRL: …As such, China Girl, is a great film for gorehounds to use to take a girl on a first date---she'll be impressed at your taste in obscure, pseudo-arty cinema while you get boners over the rampant bloodspurting.
SLAVE GIRLS FROM BEYOND INFINITY: Empire Releasing, having a backlog of minor budget in-house productions and independent pick-ups have formed a new division called "Urban Classic Pictures" (love that name!) which is releasing B-flick exploitation and horror double bills on a monthly basis to ethnic venues across the country before selling them to video six months later. Slaves is the first release from this brain trust…
BLUE MONKEY: …was originally shot under the title Green Monkey but was changed after a marketing survey revealed that the title made people think it was an AIDS movie, since one popular theory of the origin of the dreaded rump wrangler virus is that it came from oversexed Ubangis screwing the human-like green monkey in Africa. The producers would have served themselves better conducting a survey as to why this turd was ever made…
BIG BAD MAMA II: …Even Ange herself beds down with Robert Culp for a quick bone dance in a brothel, but it is sadly evident that a body double was used to replace her sagging JFK-suckled nerps.
PRINCE OF DARKNESS: After the successive failures of Christine and Big Trouble in Little China, one might wonder if the former master of terror John Carpenter has been spending too much time on the receiving end of a Malibu crack pipe dreaming about how to win back Adrienne Barbeau as this overly-complex, symbolically-contrived mess is easily his worst film to date.
NIGHTFLYERS: Only sci-fi nerds who ejaculate over the likes of Dr. Who series and endless reruns of Star Trek will have a field day with this tedious space opera…
#94 - Editorial: (Referring to a video prank, featured in the New York Post no less, Rick comments… - J4HI) …one shop owner showed us the prankster's work firsthand. About 45min into Out of Africa, as Redford and Streep prepare to slide into a romantic interlude, the screen becomes staticy and a tall sunglasses wearing Negro pops onscreen and asks, " You enjoyin' da movie you white asshole?" Later the terrorist interrupts again, pulling out his schlong and masturbating while cajoling the tape's viewers to "lick on this for some real entertainment". After another cut where the burr-head's wanking reaches a crescendo, we'd seen enough and thanked the owner for presenting the evidence. Before we left, the owner offered another tidbit of information: After the phantom video vandal returned the tape, it was rented out 3 other times before the 4th customer finally complained about the contents! Could today's legions of couch potatoes be so brain dead as to think that these added segments were part of the movie or perhaps they felt that they improved the pace of the long-winded lobsterific dud? No matter, the G.G. salutes the unsung hero and encourages more video terrorism along these lines to drive lazy bastards back to the movie theaters where they belong.
RUNNING MAN: …Each of the executioners is dressed in third-rate Masters of the Universe costumes with Arnie himself resembling a Blueboy homo in his golden jumpsuit…
SCARED STIFF: Apologies aplenty go out to all the readers who flocked to see this turkey based on the last G.G. cover photo where it was described as "a remake of the 1962 Mexican classic The Brainiac". Those lying Hebrew bastards at N.Y.'s own Marvin Films told us that merely to secure cover space as Scared Stiff resembles The Brainiac about as much as The Pet Shop Boys resemble The Mentors!
HARD TICKET TO HAWAII: …Any flick that climaxes with a giant "cancer infested" serpent popping out of a toilet to menace a wet t-shirted nubile easily gets the G.G. seal of approval…
RETURN OF THE LIVING DEAD II: Even II's soundtrack fails, as instead of the great sludge rock and psychobilly that propelled the first with the likes of The Cramps and Roky Erickson, this pale sequel incorporates M.O.R. blandness from some of the most worthless douche-bag progressive rockers working in America today.
SORORITY BABES IN THE SLIMEBALL BOWL-O-RAMA review
GALACTIC GIGOLO: …This humorous sexploitation premise is ruined by the director using the ugliest women imaginable, who disrobe at the drop of a hat, and sexually ravage the ravioli-bloated Carmine in scenes so despicable they belong in a Faces of Death compilation.
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