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Best of the Gore
Gazette -
Page 6
#90
- (The G.G.'s price hits 75
cents)
NIGHTMARE ON ELM ST. 3:
…Enter Heather Langencamp, troubled heroine from Elm
#1 who is now grown up and begins working with kids as a
psychiatrist (Heather may have gotten her psychologists degree over
the past five years since the first film, but it's sorely evident
that she didn't take any drama classes, as her awful acting adds to
the fun of 3's whimsical
proceedings).
ANGEL HEART: … Bonet's
buckets-o-blood grind session with Roarke (and his obvious body
double), together with a grand gander at Charlotte Rampling's
ravaged rib cage should be more than enough stuff to have all
gore-mays hustling their balls in the dark, even if Angel's
convoluted climax leaves them scratching their noodles when the
house lights come on.
(The above excerpt was a guest review by
Mark Nardone - J4HI
)
#91
- 
#91
- Editorial: Viva La
Revoluccion!
PROGRAMMED TO KILL:…Not really recommended, but if a lame script,
bad acting, disregard for continuity, cheesy gore, atrocious
dialogue and a hilariously out of sync soundtrack sound appealing to
you; Programmed is definitely your cup of
tea.
AMERICAN NINJA 2: Golan and Globus,
Cannon Releasing's premiere purveyors of kosher schlock once again
team up actionmeister director Sam Firstenberg with Wally Cleaver
look-alike Michael Dudikoff and shit-kicking spear-chucker Steve
Jones in this rollicking
exploitationer…
THE STEPFATHER: …Well
The Stepfather may be the first film unite the art
bears with us sleaze mongers as this sick little tale…is a
restrained masterpiece and easily the best horror/suspensor to come
down the pike since `61's original
Psycho.
ENEMY TERRITORY: …A
blown out Jan-Michael Vincent virtually steals the entire show in
his 10 minute bit part as a demented Viet Nam vet who also resides
in the slum and is the one person even the bloodthirsty Negroes
fear. When his opening line is "Fuck off, you Mau-Maus!" you know
you've got a winning flick.
#92
- Editorial: …the back pages of Soldier
Of Fortune magazine screamed the key to eternal salvation. A tiny
1inch ad promised that for only $25.00 one could become a genuine
ordained minister. Thinking the use of this ploy had gone out of
style when the draft ended in the early 70's I sent off my check.
Four weeks later I received my official ordination certificate
proclaiming me the Rt. Rev. Rick
Sullivan…
STREET TRASH: But
to gorehounds who could care less for coherence, Street
Trash has it all: ghastly melting, puking, raping, pissing,
castration, mutilation, humiliation, beating, racism and general
gore hijinx amidst an entertaining balance of black and elementary
school style toilet humor that should help you forget that you
really don't know what the hell is going
on.
JAWS - THE REVENGE: Technically inept and boring beyond
belief, this fourth installment of the timeworn shark saga is
notable only for it's wretched special effects and the atrocious
acting of Mario Van Peebles as a Jamaican marine biologist wearing a
hilarious Negro Rasta wig.
#92
- 
#93
- Editorial: As echoed in prior G.G.
editorials --- leave your VCR for the rare and unobtainable movies
only, go out and support your downtown sleaze parlors regularly
before they become a thing of the past. Winos, drug addicts,
prostitutes and yammering Negro brothers alone will not keep the
action houses open --- the support of all gorehounds is
necessary.
CHINA GIRL: …As
such, China Girl, is a great film for gorehounds to
use to take a girl on a first date---she'll be impressed at your
taste in obscure, pseudo-arty cinema while you get boners over the
rampant
bloodspurting.
SLAVE GIRLS FROM BEYOND
INFINITY: Empire Releasing, having a backlog of
minor budget in-house productions and independent pick-ups have
formed a new division called "Urban Classic Pictures" (love that
name!) which is releasing B-flick exploitation and horror double
bills on a monthly basis to ethnic venues across the country before
selling them to video six months later. Slaves is
the first release from this brain
trust…
DERANGED
BLUE
MONKEY: …was originally shot under the title Green
Monkey but was changed after a marketing survey revealed that the
title made people think it was an AIDS movie, since one popular
theory of the origin of the dreaded rump wrangler virus is that it
came from oversexed Ubangis screwing the human-like green monkey in
Africa. The producers would have served themselves better conducting
a survey as to why this turd was ever
made…
BIG BAD MAMA II: …Even
Ange herself beds down with Robert Culp for a quick bone dance in a
brothel, but it is sadly evident that a body double was used to
replace her sagging JFK-suckled
nerps.
PRINCE OF DARKNESS:
After the successive failures of Christine and
Big Trouble in Little China, one might wonder if
the former master of terror John Carpenter has been spending too
much time on the receiving end of a Malibu crack pipe dreaming about
how to win back Adrienne Barbeau as this overly-complex,
symbolically-contrived mess is easily his worst film to
date.
NIGHTFLYERS: Only sci-fi
nerds who ejaculate over the likes of Dr. Who
series and endless reruns of Star Trek will have a
field day with this tedious space
opera…
#94 - 
#94
- Editorial: (Referring to a video prank,
featured in the New York Post no less, Rick comments… - j4hi) …one
shop owner showed us the prankster's work firsthand. About 45min
into Out of Africa, as Redford and Streep prepare
to slide into a romantic interlude, the screen becomes staticy and a
tall sunglasses wearing Negro pops onscreen and asks, " You enjoyin'
da movie you white asshole?" Later the terrorist interrupts again,
pulling out his schlong and masturbating while cajoling the tape's
viewers to "lick on this for some real entertainment". After another
cut where the burr-head's wanking reaches a crescendo, we'd seen
enough and thanked the owner for presenting the evidence. Before we
left, the owner offered another tidbit of information: After the
phantom video vandal returned the tape, it was rented out 3 other
times before the 4th customer finally complained about the contents!
Could today's legions of couch potatoes be so brain dead as to think
that these added segments were part of the movie or perhaps they
felt that they improved the pace of the long-winded lobsterific dud?
No matter, the G.G. salutes the unsung hero and encourages more
video terrorism along these lines to drive lazy bastards back to the
movie theaters where they belong.
RUNNING
MAN: …Each of the
executioners is dressed in third-rate Masters of the Universe
costumes with Arnie himself resembling a Blueboy homo in his golden
jumpsuit…
SCARED STIFF: Apologies
aplenty go out to all the readers who flocked to see this turkey
based on the last G.G. cover photo where it was described as "a
remake of the 1962 Mexican classic The Brainiac".
Those lying Hebrew bastards at N.Y.'s own Marvin Films told us that
merely to secure cover space as Scared Stiff
resembles The Brainiac about as much as The Pet
Shop Boys resemble The
Mentors!
HARD TICKET TO HAWAII: …Any
flick that climaxes with a giant "cancer infested" serpent popping
out of a toilet to menace a wet t-shirted nubile easily gets the
G.G. seal of
approval…
RETURN OF THE LIVING DEAD
II: Even II's soundtrack fails, as instead of the
great sludge rock and psychobilly that propelled the first with the
likes of The Cramps and Roky Erickson, this pale sequel incorporates
M.O.R. blandness from some of the most worthless douche-bag
progressive rockers working in America
today.
SORORITY BABES IN
THE SLIMEBALL
BOWL-O-RAMA
GALACTIC GIGOLO: …This humorous sexploitation
premise is ruined by the director using the ugliest women
imaginable, who disrobe at the drop of a hat, and sexually ravage
the ravioli-bloated Carmine in scenes so despicable they belong in a
Faces of Death compilation.
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